Letting You In

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Elizabeth

Why is it so difficult to allow people to come in close?

I enjoy having friends, of course, but I still want to keep everyone at just a bit of distance.

Even my husband and my children. I will let them in closer than any others, but there is still a part of myself that I hold in reserve.

You too?

Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to be completely vulnerable with anyone?

Fear, I think, is the most simple answer.

We know how ugly our hearts can be. For myself, I know the arrogance and rage that can live inside and I want people to still like me.

We want everyone else to think well of us, so we let them in enough to show that we are human, but not far enough in to let them see how very human we really are.

We don’t want to see the shock and revulsion on their faces were they to hear the thoughts that go through our minds. We want others to like us.

It is often even hard to let God in.

Logically, I know that He already sees the deepest, most ugly bits of me, but I still have the desire to make everything look pretty before I show it to Him. You see, I want God to like me too.

Not just love me. Like me.

Love seems to be a choice, a way of treating someone. Liking, though, seems more enjoyable.

Love is what I do even when it is hard. Liking is what comes naturally when I enjoy spending time with someone.

Yet God went to extraordinary lengths to be with us. He tells us that He wants to sit with us over meals, that He sings over us and He wants to wipe away our tears. He calls us friends.

Such amazing grace this is.

If only I could believe it completely, I would have no trouble at all in letting others in.

God, help my unbelief.

Art credit: Three Crosses sketch by Rembrandt

Certainty and Faith

Posted on August 29, 2014 by Elizabeth

There sometimes comes into the heart of all of us a desire to be sure. A sudden longing for certainty about that which we profess to believe.

We wish to be able to say I believe with no niggling of doubt that causes us to draw back from the ringing shout we had wanted to pronounce.

Doubt is that persistent shadow that startles us now and again just when we’d thought we’d left it behind for good. It is that small voice that sometimes lingers and sometimes only whispers and is gone.

We want it to disappear for always. We long to be certain, to be troubled no longer by questions.

Yet I am beginning to discover that certainty is not faith. Certainty is based on evidence, on proof, on concrete and unassailable fact. Faith, however, is relationship. It is risk and it is vulnerability.

Certainty is about control, about predicting behavior. Faith is a gift from me to you, a gift of myself placed into your hands.

I have read about certainty and faith in the context of a marriage. Certainty in marriage is secretly reading all of your spouse’s emails and texts and journals. Certainty in marriage is hiring a detective to follow your spouse to be sure he is being faithful. Certainty in marriage is tapping the phones to be sure of the trustworthiness of your spouse.

Faith in marriage is a gift. It is an offering of myself, of my vulnerability and my heart, to you as one whom I believe to be faithful.

When I trust you, I take a little piece of myself…and put it into your hands. And then I’m vulnerable. Then you respond, and I find out whether you are trustworthy…I give you the gift of my trust, and you give me the gift of your faithfulness. ~ John Ortberg in Faith and Doubt

Perhaps, after all, certainty is not what we truly long for.

If by it (the intellect) we could prove there is a God, it would be of small avail indeed. We must see Him and know Him. ~ George MacDonald in The Curate’s Awakening

Perhaps, after all, certainty is not such a prize to be pursued. Perhaps, after all, God is more pleased with the vulnerable gift of faith than He is by the chasing after an elusive proof of His existence.

May He be pleased by my trust.

Art Credit: Photographs of light by Kirk Sewell

Living Generous

Posted on April 4, 2014 by Elizabeth

It is often difficult to be generous. It is hard to give freely of our time, our resources, our hearts.

It is often difficult to trust. It is hard to open ourselves to others, leaving ourselves vulnerable to betrayal.

It is often difficult to see the abundance that is in God, and perhaps this is why it is so difficult to give it all away.

The widow whom Jesus noticed giving up her last coins in the temple could see this abundance. She saw how beautiful and full living in God’s life could be. She saw what we must open our own eyes to see: that we can only be generous and trust God with our lives when we see that our life in God, this kingdom of God here on earth, is abounding in life and love and joy.

Yes, we live in a broken, fallen world, but we don’t have to wait for the end of all things for God’s rule on earth to begin. Something occurred in creation when Jesus was raised from the dead. Something began at the resurrection that begins to bring God’s new life to this earth here and now. Paul speaks of us, among other things, as a new creation in Christ. I am not a theologian, so I do not pretend to understand how this happens or even exactly what is occurring.

Yet perhaps part of what this means is that we are called to bear witness to the perfect life in God, the perfect life of Genesis 1 & 2 and Revelation 21 & 22. We are called to live life in a way that bears witness to the perfection that we as well as all of creation will become, and perhaps simply living a witness kind of life is the way in which we are right now bringing God’s kingdom to fruition in our world.

When we act, as followers of Jesus Christ in the world, as if the limitations of this world set the boundaries for how we can act, then we are…failing in our witness to the cosmic redemption that has been accomplished in Jesus Christ ~ Jonathan Wilson, author of God’s Good World: Reclaiming the Doctrine of Creation

So let us live lives full of generosity and trust, opening our eyes to the abundance of life around us. The very same abundance that is ours in a witness life in Christ.

Art Credit: The Widow’s Mite by James Tissot

Stay

Posted on December 7, 2012 by Elizabeth

I love to travel. I love seeing new places and I love experiencing new things.

I grew up in the same town all of my life until I left for college. Once I left for college, though, I didn’t stay in the same place for more than a year or two before moving on.

I have never liked the idea of settling down. It seems boring, too safe.

The reality, though? It is not safe at all.

It is the staying, the investing, that is dangerous.

It is dangerous to stop in one place for a long time. Relationships have more of a chance to implode. Neighbors have a better idea of who you really are. Friends might reject you because they have more time to see deep inside of your heart.

I’d rather keep moving on.

I have tried to fool my own heart, convincing myself that my wanderlust is due to my love of excitement, due to my desire to not live life in safety.

That, however, is a lie. It is a lie that I have lived with for a long time.

It is because I love the safety of shallow, the security of anonymity, that I don’t remain in one place for long.

Now? I’ve been in the same house for almost five years, and in the same town for seven.

I’m learning. I’m learning how to be vulnerable and how to help hold others accountable. I’m learning what community, long term community, really looks like.

I’m learning how to stay.

Why I Offer My Heart To You

Posted on September 28, 2012 by Elizabeth

We are all walking wounded.

We have all been hurt. We have all been rejected. We have all offered our hearts only to have them thrust back into our faces.

Why would we continue to offer what no one seems to want? Why would we want to keep risking when we seem to receive so much hurt in return?

Why would we continue to make ourselves vulnerable, holding out our hearts in cupped hands, when so often the result is more bruising, more cuts, more places that will not heal?

Why?

Because this is what God did.

Yet while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son…

This. This is why.

God continually offers Himself to us. He offers us His heart.

God continues to offer what we don’t seem to want. He risks Himself and often receives hurt from us in return. He continues to make Himself vulnerable, holding out His heart to us while we simply thrust it back into His face.

While we were still sinners. When we were God’s enemies.

That was when He offered up His heart in the form of His Son.

And that is why we continue to offer our own hearts, to make ourselves vulnerable so that we can form the sort of community that demonstrates to the piece of world around us the immense and vulnerable way that God loves.

art credit: painting of Christ Crucified by Velazquez