My eldest has a new fear.
Any time my husband gets into the driver’s seat of our car while I am still out of the car, my eldest is convinced that he is about to leave me. She begins sobbing and yelling, “Daddy, don’t leave Mommy! Daddy, don’t leave Mommy!”.
The usual response is, “Sweetheart, have I ever left Mommy?!”
Apparently, that has nothing to do with anything.
I sometimes get frustrated with the apparent lack of trust that my daughter has in both of her parents, regardless of how many times we have proven ourselves to her.
“Why won’t you trust me?” I ask her. “Have I ever (you fill in the blank!) before?”
When I stop to think about it, though, I completely understand. So often I decide that this is the time that God is not going to care for me, no matter how many times before He has proven His goodness and His love.
How many times does He have to prove Himself to me before I will finally trust that He will do what is best for me, even when I can’t see it?
Recently, though, I have been struggling with a different sort of trust issue.
While Kristina struggled for life and in the early days of Mike facing life as a single parent, God helped me to work though how we trust Him in the darkest times.
Now there are different hard times.
I want to publish these words of mine. So far, God says no.
We want another baby to add to the beauty and joy of our family. So far, God says no.
I thought I was trusting Him in these things. After all, if I could trust Him through horrible pain and ugly death, surely I can trust Him in this also.
I trust that if He is saying no to my desires it is because He has something infinitely more beautiful in mind.
Yet it still hurts.
Why does it still hurt if I trust that God is love?
How can my heart feel as though it is breaking if I trust that God is good?
If I hurt when God says no, does that mean that I am not truly trusting?
This. This is what my heart and my head have been struggling with.
Then one night I was praying while nursing my youngest and God brought to my mind the image of Jesus in the Garden, praying so fervently His sweat fell like drops of blood, praying in anguish that He would not have to face what was coming.
And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
It was as though God was laying a soothing hand on my troubled heart and telling me to look at His Son.
Of all who have ever walked this earth, Jesus trusted God. Jesus trusted that God is good, that God is love, that whatever God chooses is the very best, most beautiful thing.
And yet He still hurt. He still prayed in anguish and cried out to God to save Him.
So perhaps I am still trusting after all. Perhaps it is okay to hurt when God’s plans turn out to be something other than what I desire.
I will try not to doubt myself so much. I will try to allow myself to weep, to cry out to God in pain and disappointment, while still knowing that
He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all — how will he not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?
art credit: Gethsemane by Carl Bloch