Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder if it is worth it to obey Christ? He does, after all, say crazy, ridiculous things about giving yourself away and having trouble in this world and carrying a cross into the world’s darkness as He did in order to follow Him for love of Him and love of the world.
I wonder if anyone is actually listening when I pray? I have, after all, asked for many beautiful things that never came to pass, things that any sane person would want to occur, and have hurled words into the void of space, words that seemed to return home empty.
I wonder if God really does exist when much of the time the world around me and sometimes even my own heart says that He does not.
What do we do when we wonder?
Take the next step. Say the next prayer. Obey the next time. The only way to find out whether all of this is true is to try it, live it, do it.
Ask and you will be given. Seek and you will find. Draw near to Him and see if He will draw near to you. Ask for Him and see if He will come to you in ways that you alone can comprehend. Look for Him and see if you can see a light at the heart of this darkness. This is the only way to go on.
Speak your doubts out loud when your heart hears only echoing silence. “Do You know me even though I don’t know You?” is still a kind of prayer.
We draw near to him by following him even on clumsy and reluctant feet. ~ Frederick Buechner
Is this a turning away from faith? Not at all. It is only moments and days, and sometimes weeks and months, that come to all of us who believe. This wondering is common to us all.
Adeste fidelis. That is the only answer I know for people who want to find out whether or not this is true. Come all ye faithful, and all ye who would like to be faithful if only you could, all ye who walk in darkness and hunger for light. Have faith enough, hope enough, despair enough, foolishness enough at least to draw near to see for yourselves. ~ Frederick Buechner